Snowy day reflections

I remember when I was young and always dreaming about the future with a horrible case of the "I can't wait until"s.  I couldn't wait to get my first car, get married, have kids, buy a house, job, the list goes on and on. Now as I sit in my house, listening to the older kids play outside in the season's first snowfall while my youngest rests on my chest (too tired to get up and play, but not tired enough to continue his nap in his crib) and husband is in the basement having a boy day with his buddies I feel content.  We both have our dream car, mine a brand new van, his a practically new Trans Am, he has a great job as a Sr. Systems Engineer, and I have my dream job as stay at home mom to our children.  We've had a lot of ups, and a LOT of downs two of the biggest of which nearly ended our marriage, but here we are stronger for the experiences that have brought us to this point.
I think that anyone can look back on their life and wonder "what if" they did this or that differently, but the longer I walk this world the more clear it becomes that what's done is done.  The real point is to do the best with what you have, and to truly appreciate all that you have. Here are a few of the things in my life that I am grateful for:
1.  My marriage.  Some have doubted the strength of our love over the years and all have been proven wrong over and again.  We may fight, but we never go to bed angry.  We may not be perfect, but we are perfect for each other.  And through the years and through all of the high highs and low lows we are still learning things about each other and finding new ways to be better to and for one another.  I can honestly say that I can't think of a time in the almost 14 years we have been together, 10 of which married, when we have been happier.
2.  My children.  They both drive me up the wall and fill me with a sense of accomplishment, complete and unconditional love, and pride all at the same time and with equal measure.  They challenge me daily (some days, hourly) to be strong in my convictions and my love for them drives me to be a better person and mother.
3.  My job.  My job title is Stay at Home Mom.  My duties are: housewife, maid, chauffeur, cook, dog groomer, hair stylist, interior decorator, problem solver, activities planner, and last but certainly not least comforter for the sick, tired and otherwise sad of our home.  It is a job of many duties but all are worth the work it takes to do them correctly.  The better I am at my job, the happier my husband and family are.  I may not contribute much by way of bringing money into the house, but I am confident that my contributions are worth way more than a pay check ever could be.  I don't think anyone looks back on their lives and wishes they had worked outside the home more.  Many look back and wish they had had more time with their children and loved ones.  I will not have to be in that category, and gives me a sense of accomplishment that any other job could never come close to.
4.  My family and friends.  I may not have a bus load of really close friends, but the ones I do have have always been there for me and stood beside me...and got behind and pushed me when I needed it.  My family is the same way.  I know that no matter what stupid antics I may pull, that my family loves me for ME no matter what.  In fact, I have such love for my close friends that they, in essence, become a part of my family.  My mom is patient and understanding.  She listens without judging and is careful with her advice so as to avoid being pushy.  My dad was always there to listen to my problems and both helped me to come to my own conclusions about how to handle them.  I have a wonderful sister, and my close girlfriends feel like sisters to me as well.  Anyone would be blessed to have even one friend like that.  I am blessed to have three.  Having a strong support system makes this thing called life a little easier to walk through.
5. My home.  It may not be updated with all the latest trends, the paint job is clearly amateur (hey, cut a girl some slack!), and there are definite areas in need of finishing and/or repair.  But it is our home.  It houses the most important people in my life and we have created a warm and inviting space for ourselves and any who chose to visit.
6. My health.  Sure I could use to lose about 60 pounds (which was the reason for starting this blog in the first place) and I know that I will get there.  But aside from that major annoyance I am in great health.  There are many who are not so lucky, so it is important to realize and be thankful for this.

Well, I think I have rambled on enough for today.  It is important to take stock in ones life now and again and rather than just sit and think on it, to actually share with others who care to hear about it.  I hope that in sharing others may stop to think of the things in their lives that are great and allow the great to outweigh the not so great.

I didn't, but I did!

So, I'm busted. I did not walk on the treadmill today. I decided to walk outside instead. I will do almost anything to avoid the dreaded treadmill...even walk just over 7 miles round trip to pick up my son from school. It was long, it was tough, and I will admit that at the point where I normally turn to do my 1.5 mile lap I seriously considered just doing that then driving to pick up my son. Then when we reached a park that I know is roughly a mile from my house I again thought "If I turn back now, I will still get 2 miles in, and be able to drive to pick him up." But I persevered and passed the park, thus reaching the point of no return. I left the house at 1:35, and know that I walk roughly a 20 minute mile (hey...give me a break, I'm pushing a stroller with two kids in it and am still very out of shape) so I really just had to hit the halfway point, at which I knew that if I turned and walked back home I would most likely be late to pick him up.

It really actually helped to have my daughter with me to talk to and distract me. My youngest just enjoyed the scenery and even took a little nap along the way. In all, we made it there and back and I am still alive. Though, the look on his teacher's face when she saw me all red faced and sweaty was nearly priceless. I was too tired to be embarrassed, I just wanted to grab my son, turn and keep walking for fear that if I stopped for too long I would have to call my husband to come and get me.

There are blisters on my ankles, and my legs are already sore, but beyond that I have this immense feeling of accomplishment. It may have taken me 2+ hours to do it, but I did it. And I want to do it again. Sadly my schedule and 3 extra kids on some days wont allow for me to make the trek to my son's school on a regular basis, but I can suck it up and walk the treadmill. I don't have to do the full 7 miles all at once, and tomorrow will most likely split it up into at least 2 if not 3 chunks to make it a little more bearable. The main point is that I have set a bar for myself, and now I need to reach it every day. Because I can, because I should, and because I owe it to myself and my family to be healthy and happy.

I may have been thoroughly exhausted when I came home today, but I was happy. And it showed.

i will. I will. I WILL!

Another plateau...bleh. It's definitely rough to begin making progress only to flatline once again. A veritable slew of reasons/excuses are behind the latest plateau but it really boils down to not finding the time, check that, not making the time to exercise daily.

The last few days I have taken action to remove that excuse. I cleared the wall of stuff that had somehow built itself around the treadmill. Along with it, removed the wall of reasons why I shouldn't have to use it now that we are members at the Y. I don't go to the Y every day. I don't want to feel like I have to do so in order to get a good workout in. I CAN walk down to the basement every day and walk for an hour. I can, and I should. And I will.

Tomorrow I will not go to the Y. I will wake up early and put on my workout garb, grab my ipod and go down to the basement and walk. It will be quiet. It will be time just for me, and I will feel good for the rest of the day because of that decision. To be honest, I can't wait.

Breaking Barriers

So I finally broke 200 this week! What a strange feeling that is. For those of you who battle with weight loss, you know that it is a frustrating series of GAINS as well as losses. The losses bring a wonderful feeling of accomplishment, while the gains negate those feelings. This is a barrier, though, that was really tough for me to break. The reasons vary from environmental issues (lack of sleep, therefore energy) as well as self sabotage. The hardest lesson is that of changing my eating habits, and maintaining that change.

Now that this barrier has been passed, I can continue to move forward, and vow not to hit or pass 200 again. As with every 10 pound barrier from here on out.

That is the other difficult thing about losing weight. It doesn't get easier as you progress. It gets tougher. That's ok though. I'm up for the challenge. :)

Oh lordy

I remember once upon a time when I could hardly wait for the weekend because that was when we would get fast food of some sort and I would get a break from cooking. It's been a while since we have done that, and the last months have been trying really hard NOT to do that, preferring to spend that money on more healthy foods.
Well, today I took the easy road because the kids and I were hungry and I didn't want to drag them all into Subway so we went to McDonalds. Oh how I regret that! Almost instantly after eating the last fry I started feeling nauseous, and now 5 hours later don't feel much better. Blech. It is a good reminder, I suppose that that crap does not belong anywhere near my body! It is sad to think that it actually tasted good once upon a time.

It wont happen overnight....

I have to keep reminding myself of this very inconvienient fact. I had a great walk on the treadmill today (side note...for some reason the treadmill at the Y is much more fun (?) to walk on than the one at home...could be lack of children trying to climb on the back and having to stop every 5 minutes to end a fight, calm an angry baby etc) and got to thinking. I happened to look down and see my leg jiggling and got a little angry. I have been working hard for 3 weeks solid...they should NOT be jiggly anymore! Ha!

Then I thought back and realized that it took me over a year to accumulate the weight I have gained. I started gaining weight before I got pregnant as the stress of trying to get pregnant led me to my old friend...food. So a year of weight gain...30 pounds of it being pregnancy related of which I didn't lose a lot. Something about still eating like I was pregnant after I had the baby. Hmmmm. Anyway, how can I expect that much weight to just fly off in a few weeks? I can't, and I shouldn't. I need to look back to make sure, but I believe I started back on the wagon in May. Started at 223, and am now at 207. 16 pounds down in about 2 months. That isn't too bad. And 10 of that has been since we joined the Y three weeks ago or so. Sometimes the hardest part about losing weight AND getting into shape is accepting that it doesn't happen overnight...it takes time. And it's worth the wait. Get it? Wait...weight. I digress.

So, today was my most successful workout so far. I rocked Bodypump, and proceeded to walk for 25 minutes at a speed of 4 on the treadmill, which last week was almost impossible for me to do. I am considering signing up for a Couch to 5k program, and am spending more time looking for things to do to keep active, and less time gazing at the computer. Instead of goofing around all day, I WALK AWAY do a bunch of stuff, then come back for a short break.

I feel more empowered now than I have in a long time. My self image is improving...perhaps faster than my actual appearance. I feel pretty again...until I look in a mirror. I am tempted to drape all the mirrors with sheets. But I love seeing the progress as it happens. I notice that my face looks slimmer, and my legs are getting more muscular. The arms and belly always lag behind, but they'll catch up eventually. Oh, and of course my boobs are shrinking. Blah. The one area I wouldn't mind staying how it is, seems the first to whither. Ha!

Anyway, I am thrilled to be down 16 pounds, and look forward to hitting my next 15 pound marker in much less than two months! Goal weight is 150...but more importantly goal SIZE is 9/10. I am 57 pounds, and 6ish (the 16s are a little big on me now) sizes away from my goal. Here goes!!!

Rest

I worked out every day for the last 6 days for between one and two hours each day. Today is my rest day. I have to remind myself that those are important as well. My body is tired, and sore. I am beginning to notice some differences in myself already. The most obvious is the weight loss...WI this morning was 209! Woo hoo! After three months (of actually trying to lose the weight) I am just one pound away from my first 15 pound marker. :) Other differences include increased energy, though I am so sore it's tough to do a whole lot, and a higher body temp. I always feel warm lately. Must be the increased blood flow or some such thing.

One step forward, two steps back

That seems to be my weight loss pattern of late. I lose a few pounds, then gain them back. Over all though I am down 12 pounds from when I started, and that's worth documenting. :)
I have been to the Y every day this week, and feel sore but good. It's the good sore that reminds me that there are muscles hiding out in there and they are coming out of hibernation! I am really getting into the classes again, I know myself well enough to know that I won't push myself as hard as a class will. At least not yet. I usually make it through the step classes, but have had to leave a couple early. I am not beating myself up over it. I make up for it with laps on the track, or on one of the cardio machines and try again the next day. And, of course keep reminding myself that soon I will be able to make it through any class, and maybe even become that person that can bounce around the step too, rather than barely getting onto and off of it again. I was almost there when I got pregnant with James.
I plan to go tomorrow and Sunday as well, even if it's just for an hour of cardio ( I try to log about 2 hours a day during the week). We're in town, there is no reason I can't go in and get a workout.
That's all for now, appologies for being a lazy blogger! Life is pretty hectic lately what with all the gym time! :D

Back fat

So I'm going to start this off with a postive note...I am down to 210! Oh yeah! It feels so good to be on my way...7 more pounds and I'll have hit the first 20 pound marker. We rejoined the YMCA last night and I immediately went and logged 8 miles on the stationary bike. This morning I went back and went to a step/strength training class and did some walking on the track for a total of 1 hour 38 minute workout. Oh man! I forgot how great it feels to get a good workout in! That is, a workout where the kids are taken care of and not constantly underfoot, crying, fighting, or just "trying to help". 2 workouts in and I already feel more confident, and happy in general.

We are leaving town Saturday for a week in Rice Lake, so I am trying to get as much time in the gym as possible to give me a good head start for our vacation. While in Rice Lake I plan to walk every day, use the paddle boat and swim at the cabin, and of course watch closely what I eat. The eating, overindulging and eating the wrong foods is what typically kills me when we aren't home. It's really easy to just grab some fast food, or indulge in pizza with the parents. I have to be careful not to do this!

Regarding the title of this post...back fat. It is my mortal enemy. I can't see it, but know it's there. It is unsightly, annoying and trying to get rid of it can be so frustrating...I hate it. Of course there is fat everwhere...arms, legs, and especially the belly. But the back is the worst...it hides out and then out of nowhere I am compeletely aware of it and feel self concious about it. Anyway...just my little growl for the day.

This is still the beginning of my journey. I would assume that much of the weight I lose now will not be noticed easily simply because there is so far to go. Selfishly, I must admit that I can't wait until people start to notice unasked. It is it's own little prize for all of the hard work that goes into losing weight.

Do I really need a new title every time?

I have always been horrible at coming up with a good title. It becomes so tedious that I wind up spending all of my time trying to think of something witty, yet relevant and run out of time to actually write my blog. Anyway, I digress.
That is kind of the theme for this week. I digress. I haven't gained any weight back, and I am continuing to work on the no grazing rule but the workouts have been less than impressive. I walked outside 2 miles on Tuesday morning, and proceeded to laze about the last couple of days. Yesterday was my birthday so I "took the day off" and grumbled that the number on the scale stayed the same. Well, at least it didn't go up. :) Today I didn't do a workout, per se, but I did work hard today. Lots of trips upstairs and down to the basement and lots of carting around a very grumpy baby boy. And, I have been phenominal about not over eating, of which I am quite proud. It helps that I don't feel well, I suppose. Some life issues are starting to weigh on me (no pun intended) and the stress from that is making me nauseous. I am proud of myself, though, that I have not been stress eating, which is usually how I handle stress.
Well, that is all for today. I am sitting at 216 going into the weekend, my hope is tomorrows weigh in will show a loss of 1 or 2 pounds, and am praying for strength to not overeat this weekend at my birthday party.

Downward trend...good thing!

I am down to 216 as of today. I got clotheslined by a nasty cold this weekend and that kept me from getting good workouts. That's ok since I kept a close eye on my diet. The weight isn't just flying off, but it is a steady downward trend. That is ok with me. As long as the number doesn't go up, I'm happy. I am not depriving myself the foods I enjoy, just eating smaller portions of them. Food alone didn't get me to this point, lack of discipline along with bad eating habits did. I constantly have to remind myself that I don't need a second helping, nor do I need a huge first helping. Meals aside, grazing is a tough habit to kick too. I am so used to snacking on whatever is handy while James eats, while I cook supper, while I watch TV that whenever I am doing these activities I find my hands just grabbing whatever is handy. So...again I have to tell myself NO! I'm not perfect, but am getting better.
Of course, diet is only half the equation. With two kids at home during the day(three in a couple weeks when school is out) combined with very little sleep, a consistant workout routine can be challenging. I counter this by incorporating exercise whenever I can. Today is a playdate at a park that is about a mile from my house. If I go, I have to walk there, or get my treadmill walk in before I leave. If I don't do a workout in the morning, chances are pretty good that I wont get it done. Afternoons are just too busy.

Oh Yeah!

I had a great workout today! Yesterday I walked with the kids and dogs with James in the carrier and I thought that was good. Today I rocked the treadmill using some methods I learned from a trainer a little over a year ago. It felt great! I am hoping I didn't overdo it...I don't mind being sore from a good workout, but I have to be able to get back on the 'mill tomorrow and do it again.
Jim and I have been talking a lot about joining the Y later this summer, and the old arguments are coming back before we even join. Wanting to work out together, but me also wanting to go in the morning being the main one. Part of me wants to just say "screw it" and not bother with it. But then out of nowhere Paige will ask about her friends at the Y and swimming class and get sad. That seals the deal. I have been a member at a few different gyms over the years and the Y is the only one I've been at where family is so important. They really go out of their way to know everyone by name, and provide affordable classes for the kiddos as well as great group classes for the parents. No...this is not intended to be an ad for the Y!!!
Anyway, as I've mentioned before, a block for me tends to be "but if only I could go to the gym, everything would be better" when in reality, I have the tools to do it right here. I can push myself and kick my butt on the treadmill. I can walk outside with the dogs. I can wear my shape up (well, my Target knock offs) shoes around the house. I can bench James while we're playing on the floor (he loves this game!). There are so many things that I can, and have been doing lately that may seem small but make a huge difference at the end of the day.
The biggest hurdle for me aside from exercise is diet. I am a grazer, and I have to train myself TRAIN myself to stop doing that! I am counting calories, but at this point am not being super strict. 1500-1600 a day is still a lot less than what I was taking in. The key for me is being aware of what I am eating and when. I set myself up on a meal/snack schedule and am working on drinking more water throughout the day. I started at 223 on Wednesday morning, and am now at 218 after only a couple of days. When the weight loss starts to plateau I will cut my calories back, and as I get stronger I will up my exercise routine.
I admitt I am a little bummed that I will not be at my goal weight for summer, but I look forward to shrinking in the heat! It would have been nice, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. There will be plenty of summers for me to look good, this will just be the one where I got there. :)

Rock bottom?

So I got the idea that it would be interesting to see my progress through this process, so am going to take pictures often, in hopes that seeing the progress will be motivation to continue on the journey.

It has been a while since I posted, and have gained some weight, so I sit now the heaviest I have ever been (aside from pregnancy). It is not a fun place to be.

Today I attempted to walk on the treadmill, but between the distractions I cannot help (i.e. baby crying, kids drama, and basic house stuff) and those that I can (i.e. chosing to start a project when I am supposed to be walking) it has not happened yet. Some days it is just easier to rest on the laurels of my excuses than actually get a good workout.

So, in the spirit of logging my journey, today at 220 I feel tired, swollen, defeated, embarassed, and crabby. My end goal is 150. I have a long way to go, but lots of grand plans on how I will get there. Of course the longest journey begins with a single step.

Enough writing for the day, time to take that step.

The first of many happy dances. :)

Weigh in this morning showed a 1 pound loss...for a grand total of 3 pounds so far this week! I have not been feeling well so the workouts have been small to non existent, but I have been watching my food intake, and that is just as important. I find that I have to stop myself from grazing a LOT. It's a hard habit to break, it takes a constant attention as most of the time when I snack it's to grab something on my way through the kitchen. That really adds up by the end of the day! I have some friends who have a running group that I am just dying to join, so this next week will find me hitting the treadmill and working on my endurance.

LIttle lessons

There are so many excuses people use for gaining/keeping on the weight. One of my classics is "if only we still had a membership to the Y, I could lose the weight so much faster!" A friend of mine (Lee for those of you who know him) gave me a bit of a reality check smack down. He basically stated the obvious. We have a treadmill. We have dumbells in sizes ranging from 2lbs up to 15 lbs. We have workout dvds and a dvd player. There are no excuses. He also lost 12 pounds in a week with no gym. Oy...ok, gloves off.
So today I planned to walk on the treadmill and do a biggest loser workout dvd and maybe even some wii fit. That plan went down the tubes with a crabby baby, so I made do. I put him in the Bjorn and walked on the treadmill. That lasted about 6 minutes before he got too wiggly for me to feel comfortable walking on the mill with him. So I wandered back upstairs, fed him put him in the playpen and did the 20 minute power sculpt biggest loser workout, and made it to the cool down before he was screaming to be picked up. Not too bad. I figure sum total I logged a 30 minute total workout today. I was hoping for 40, but I got close, and something is better than nothing.
My lesson, and my challenge today are intermingled. I will not use lack of gym membership as an excuse any longer. Further, I am challenging myself to lose as much of this weight as I can without a membership(we should be able to rejoin in the spring/early summer). I know I can lose it at home, I'll just have to be a little more creative. Or perhaps start waking up at 5am to get it in before the kids wake up.

Ah!

I got off the couch today. It was not easy. I didn't feel good and really just wanted to take a nap instead. But I powered through that and popped in my Biggest Loser Cardio Blast dvd. Last time I did it(sometime before I got pregnant) I did it with no problem at all. Today it kicked my butt. Humbling? Yes. But it inspires me to continue. It was a tough 20 minutes, but I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

Progressing?

So, I didn't keep my promise to write every week. Woops. I can list some good excuses here that you may or may not think qualify as good ones, but in reality excuses are what got me here in the first place.

My weight has stayed the same, went down a little then came right back up after my son's birthday party this past weekend.

Not everything has remained the same, however. I found that jumping in both feet first just isn't going to work for me this time around. I have to be careful not to overdo it because an injury now will derail me. That is not an excuse, rather is becoming a base for me to begin from. Smaller steps are just as important as huge leaps, if not more so. They lay the foundation for something bigger, better and hopefully more sustainable over the long haul.

My first step was to cut out caffiene. Two weeks later I still have a dull headache, but it is fading. I cheated and had a cup yesterday morning and found the rush of caffiene did wonder in getting household chores done, but it also made me jittery and by 8 or so in the evening I was spent. Crash. I also didn't feel well. Is this really what I have been doing to my body? I was just so used to it that I didn't notice?

The second step is no more fast food. This has been in place for a while now mostly because we have put ourselves on a strict budget, and would rather have something to show for that money (besides larger numbers on the scale). Thus, this step was not as difficult as I thought it would be. The cravings died down fairly quickly, and the few times I have cheated the food just did not taste good. Again I am left to wonder...what have I been DOING to my body? I got to the point where this grease logged food not only tasted good, but I craved...longed for it? Or used the excuse that it was just easier to go through the drive through after a weekend away. The reality, I have come to find, is just the opposite. It is just as easy, if not more so, to make a quick meal at home. And there is no guilt attached.

Third step is to be more active in general. Oh how easy it is to sit the day away watching tv, playing games on the computer, or dozing with the baby. Still I have to tell myself "get up! get something done!" and when it works it is great. So much better to look back and see all of the accomplishments in a given day rather than pushing them off to tomorrow. Getting on the treadmill has been tough, but I will get there. This week I want to shoot for a more reasonable mile every day on top of some time on the wii, or using some of my workout dvds. I am working on getting Jim on board to exercise with me as well since it's always more fun to do with company. That is what I miss most about the Y (aside from the free child care); the classes.

Last but not least, the fourth step is to watch what I eat around the house. I am working on phasing out the junk food and replacing it with heathy choices so the ONLY choice when I want a snack is a healthy one.

I think that is enough for this time, I am blessed that this path isn't one I have to walk alone. Jim is right there with me reminding me of my goals and the rest of our family and friends there for moral support. Making life changes is never easy, but the end result will definately be worth the hard work.

Operation Lose Baby Weight: Week 1

James will be 4 months old in a couple days, and that marks 3 and a half months that I have half started then stopped on the track to weight loss. As with my other two pregnancies I gained much more than the reccommended 25-30 pounds, and so have much to lose. I don't expect instant results by any definition, but by summer I do want to be well on my way to the healthy me I know I can be.
About a year and a half ago I lost a large amount of weight finally realizing my goal weight. It felt great to be there, but I didn't achieve that goal the right way. Yes I was exercising every day and kind of eating the right foods, but I was also using over the counter weight loss aides that brought quick results and quickly took them away upon ceasing use. I was also obsessed with weight loss..it was all I thought about, talked about, it was the focus of every minute of every day. This time I am promising myself that I will stick with good old fashioned diet and exercise to get me to my goal, and that beyond this blog I will not bore my poor friends and family with every detail of my progress.
It may take me a little longer to get there, but at least I know that upon arrival it will be a place I can stay.

So, today begins week 1 of my weight loss adventure. I will update every week on Tuesday with my progress, or lack thereof and set new goals for myself. A lot of people are embarassed to post their weight for some reason. I am one of those people. But it is something I must overcome so that I can maintain a real picture of how much I have lost along this journey.
My current weight is 217, my goal is 150.
This week I intend to do one hour of Wii fit, yoga and/or strength workouts plus one hour of walking on the treadmill every day. I will log all of my data into the Wii fit program so I can keep track.
For me these blogs will serve as a way to keep myself on track and to share my experience with others.
Enough chit chat...time to exercise!